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Dear Tricity,

A lady friend of mine has recently decided to train herself up as a magician.

She has been practising her technique morning, noon and night and is continually pulling rabbits out of her hat – sometimes at extremely inappropriate moments.

How can I persuade my lady friend to give up this embarrassing new pursuit and go back to being decorative, as is more fitting for a young lady of such considerable charms?

Yours truly,

Magic Bob

Dear Magic Bob

Call me Miss Marple, but I have a sneaking suspicion I may have guessed your profession. Are you by any chance a magician yourself?

Traditionally, as you say, it is the female role to look decorative, and the male role to do clever things with his hands. If all the beautiful women could pull rabbits out of their own hats, what would men do to impress them?

Times are changing, Magic Bob. The days are gone when a girl would watch a boy pull a rabbit out of his hat and say "Ooh what a clever boy you are, and what a big rabbit you’ve got, can I stroke it?" Nowadays a girl sees the rabbit and says "Ooh what a cute rabbit, I want one of those for myself, so I can pull it out of my own hat whenever I like."

Maybe you should offer your services to your lady friend as her glamorous assistant? That way, at least you’ll still be able to get your hands on her rabbits from time to time.


Dear Tricity,

I have met a wonderful boy who I find very attractive. At first we had a fantastic time, but recently he just wants to stay in, smoke jazz cigarettes and play Pro Evolution 8 on his playstation. I am feeling very jealous that he is more interested in computer games than he is in me.

What advice do you have for a playstation widow?

Yours truly,


Dear Lara

Get a playstation of your own and play Pro Evolution 8 until you’re better at it than he is. That’ll make him lose interest in computer games pretty sharpish.


Dear Tricity,

It is all very complicated.  I live next door to my neighbour Janice who invited me next door to look at her moth problem in her lingerie drawer whilst her husband was out assisting my wife with some shopping.  One thing led to another and I ended up getting intimate with her.   

Then her husband appeared in the bedroom with my wife in his arms and they were both drunk.  At this point the children of both families burst through the door, and ran around the room.   

They disturbed the cupboard door and out fell our Swedish Au Pair, Agnetha, naked in the arms of my sister in law, Dotty.  

So. What would you recommend to resolve the situation, amicably.   

Sincerely, Complicated of Hampstead. (West).

Dear Complicated of Hampstead (West)

I deeply sympathise with your dilemma. I too have terrible trouble with moths. The traditional solution is mothballs, but these are harder to come by nowadays, because they contain something called DDT which is, apparently, highly toxic. More distressingly, it also makes your clothes smell appalling.

My mother found me the ideal solution in a shop called Past Times (one of her favourite haunts). They sell charmingly perfumed herbal moth repellent sachets. These I hang from my coat hangers in delightful little lace bags.

If, however, your neighbour’s moth infestation is more severe, she may need to set a permanent guard in her wardrobe, armed with a rolled up newspaper, to swat them on sight. It sounds like your Swedish Au Pair and your sister in law may be the ideal candidates for the job, since they enjoy hanging out in wardrobes so much.

I hope I have been of some assistance.


Dear Tricity,

I am writing to you from the desk of Dr Unkoma Mobisi.  

My colleagues and I here in the Central Ghanian Bank have come across an account which contains $23 million dollars in US funds.  The owners of this money were sadly killed in a plane crash some years ago, and no next of kin can be traced.  Due to a legal loophole this money can only be released into a UK bank account.  

Would you care to volunteer your bank account number and sort code?  If so, I would be prepared to let you keep up to 40 percent of the funds released after you have returned the rest to me. 

Thank you, sincerely, UNKOMAMOBISI@YAHOO.COM.

Dear Dr Unkoma Mobisi of the Central Ghanian Bank

Thank you so much for your generous offer. I wish I were able to help you but unfortunately I cannot, for the simple reason that you have written to me under false pretenses. Yes, that's right: Tricity Vogue is a fictional persona. I know this will come as a shock to someone as honest and trusting as yourself.

I wish you the best of luck finding someone who actually exists to help you with your financial quandary.

Yours insincerely


I consider myself a moral man but recently I had an experience on drugs where I looked into the abyss of space and time and saw that there was no God and I was condemned to live out my life in a meaningless universe. My girlfriend thinks I am being melodramatic. Please help.

Yours, Jean-Paul

Dear Jean-Paul

Your girlfriend is right.


Dear Tricity,

If two objects are dropped from a 200 metre tower at the same time and one is double the mass of the other but the lighter one is thrown with 25 percent more velocity, which will hit the ground first?


Dear Doris

For any problem in life it can be useful to seek out advice from as many different quarters as you can, but at the end of the day, the only person who can solve your problem is you.



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